My work combines Nervous System Regulation, Secure Attachment Work and Men’s Work.
Our Autonomic Nervous System is our primary system for survival. It is our “fight or flight and freeze” system, if you have heard those terms before.
“Regulating” our nervous system means keeping ourselves both calm enough and active/ engaged enough to function best throughout our day. Not so calm that we feel sluggish, whether we’ve had a big lunch or not. And not so nervous and agitated that we can’t focus. From relaxed and calm to eager and excited is our ideal range… both for our work and our relationships.
Mastering our nervous systems so that we can primarily stay calm and engaged during our day… to regulate ourselves if we have become too agitated or lethargic… not only keeps us productive, creative, and enjoying our relationships… it keeps us alive. When we are too agitated or too lethargic, we can miss life-threatening cues. We make it harder for our Autonomic Nervous System to do its job of keeping us alive. Our fight/flight/freeze response is overworked.
When a parent hurts a child, the child’s flight response will activate and try to save its life by running away. But our Attachment System is strong enough that it will drive the child back into the arms of that same parent for comfort. That astounds me. Our Attachment System is so strong that it OVERPOWERS our PRIMARY survival system. This is how clear every single human’s need for bonding is.
The message a securely attached parent offers is “I’m here. You have my attention. I care. I’m available. When you reach out to me, I will consistently respond with warmth.”
And this is the superpower I think men (more specifically, testosterone-based beings, regardless of gender) can have. With less estrogen (which intensifies and shortens the chemical cycle of emotion), people may experience more consistent moods… allowing them to remain, not stoic, but more even-keeled.
It IS that surge of emotion, and of love, which can motivate forgiveness, that can enable estrogen-based beings to repeatedly welcome home that wayward family member. We all need THAT superpower to welcome us home, to soften our re-entry, just as much as we need the solid, steady warmth once we get there!
Then we each get to choose how we will develop our superpowers.
When testosterone-based beings take their steadier chemistry, and build on it by
- practicing how to stay steady and supportive during the intensity of the estrogen ride
- learning about how and why estrogen shapes behavior (and vice versa)
- providing for themselves a strong, physical testosterone-releasing outlet
- relying on a consistent community of others experiencing and working on similar things, and
- getting mentoring for the above,
they maximize their human potential. They become people we want to be around even more. Safe, warm, solid, clear, available, responsive, consistent.
They become Secure Attachment figures.
Masters of their own Nervous System… able to steady themselves so well that others’ can pattern themselves off their levels of calm and engaged.
They become the best versions of men.
If this describes the foundation of the man you’d like continue becoming, I would be honored to work with you.
To let me know that you are interested in:
- one-on-one coaching
- small group coaching
- online or potentially in-person classes, or
- my upcoming online membership filled with Relationship Tools for Men,
Send me an email at Erin@AppreciatingMen.com and I’ll be happy to respond.
P.S. If you’d like more information about my online course called “Calm and Engaged” to regulate any over-agitated “fight or flight” instincts you may have, start by watching my free 60 minute webinar called “6 Hacks to Get Calm Fast” if you’d like. It’s right here… www.CalmAndEngaged.com/6-hacks